My struggles with food addiction goes back to the 70s, where I was a young child in an abusive home. Sure, we have all heard the term “abusive home”; trust me when I say mine was uniquely destructive. A sociopath for a brother, narcissistic mother, absent father, and child molester for a grandfather. Peaceful moments were rare occasions in my household.
I turned to food for comfort and solace around age seven. I grew up with junk food, McDonald’s, and Swanson’s TV dinners–all while watching TV. I remember as a child not being able to stop myself with the Taco flavored Doritos and candy which was in abundance in my household.
As usually happens when someone compulsively eats junk food on a regular basis, I became overweight. The bullying began on a consistent basis when I was in the third grade. Until then, comments were starting to be made regarding my weight by adults and my peers. Keep in mind, the obesity crisis we are currently seeing in our society was non-existent in my area. I was THE fat child–with a target on my back.
I stayed to myself and never fought back. I continued to eat. My brother and mother became more abusive and berated me about my weight. The kids in the neighborhood relentlessly bullied me, and I was the laughing stock at my school. My mother put me on diet pills and sent me to a psychologist to “fix” me.
My world began to crumble even more at age 11. My home situation became unbearable. My parents divorced as the final straw happened in the form of domestic violence and the SWAT team at my house. I became suicidal and stopped eating in attempt to either make myself skinny or die trying.
As my world continued to turn upside down, I realized I could not stop eating as food was my only friend. I ballooned over 200 pounds by the time I was in the 8th grade. I was 5’9″, which by today’s BMI standards would be considered obese. I remember looking down at the scale and wanting to scream. I had fallen into a trap of compulsive eating for so many years that I really could not stop. I realized if I could not control my impulses to eat the junk food around me, then I could at least get it out. I became seriously bulimic by 15 years old. I fluctuated between anorexia, binge eating, and bulimia for years to follow.
I am in my 40s now. I have been on a lifetime battle with food addiction since I was young. I lost weight after moving out of my abusive home, buying healthier foods, and exercising. I cannot say that I have always made the best decisions as an adult when it comes to food. I still have times where I will abstain from food, whether it is healthy or not. I have had struggles in my adult years with bulimia. My perception of my body image will always be warped, despite fluctuating between the “underweight” and “normal weight” on the BMI charts.
I also know what foods I absolutely cannot have around. I eat one peanut M&M, and it is over; just leave me the whole bag. Sugar has been proven to be as addictive as cocaine, but I would venture to say it is worse (for me). I cannot eat potato chips because of the addictive power of MSG and a bunch of other unidentifiable chemicals that makes us “unable to eat just one.”
That’s my food addiction story in a small nutshell. Thanks for sharing in my journey. I appreciate any comments, questions, or personal stories of similar experiences.
